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Children's Attachment Relationships 

A number of childhood problems are particularly worrisome to parents. Lying, stealing, anger or aggression, refusal to follow family rules, withdrawal, and depression are just a few of them. In addition, parents may be troubled because they do not feel a sense of connection with their child even at a very early age, or they secretly find their child unusually frustrating or even unlikable.

A common feature of parent-child relationships that underlies or runs parallel to many of these troublesome problems is an insecure attachment. Because children’s early attachment relationships govern other relationships throughout life, early intervention is a key to reducing the long-term effects of attachment difficulties.

What Should I Know About Attachment Relationships?

Attachment is a biologically based strategy that provides emotional and physical protection for children. Even before birth, a foundation is laid for the bond between a mother and her infant. Attachment relationships begin developing at birth and are generally fully established by eighteen months of age.

Infant behaviors such as crying when separated from the parent, seeking proximity to the parent, using the parent as a secure base, and joyfully greeting the parent after separation are attachment-based. Secure attachment results when parents respond sensitively to their children's cues and responses.

Research has indicated that school-age children who are securely attached are more cooperative with their parents, more inclined to competently explore the environment, and more likely to get along with their peers. 

Unfortunately, as many as 30% of children develop insecure attachment relationships with their parents. Insecure attachment may take the form of avoidant, distant behavior or anxious clinging behavior. When children have insecure attachments with their parents, any number of negative consequences can follow, such as depression, anxiety, a lowered ability to cope with stress, and poor relationships with others. A disruption in the development of secure attachment could occur due to parental illness, parental unavailability because of other life commitments, or the serious illness of the child.

Children who move from foster home to foster home or spend the early years of their lives in orphanages can experience long-term attachment difficulties. In addition, children sometimes have inborn temperaments or disabilities that can impede the attachment process. Finally, children who are abused or neglected or otherwise traumatized will often show signs of impaired attachment. 

When Should I Seek Help?

Therapy for attachment difficulties may be the primary treatment or may be used along with other therapy. The following are signs of distress that should not be ignored:

When your child-

  • Is exceptionally clingy to you most of the time, to the point of distress, and there are no other circumstances to explain the clinginess.

  • Seems more affectionate with strangers than with family members.

  • Is frequently distant and doesn’t accept help from you.

  • Defiantly opposes your efforts to set limits more often than not.

  • Lies or steals despite your interventions and beyond the normal testing of children.

  • Is constantly manipulative, beyond the normal range for children.

  • Displays anger that does not seem normal.

  • Is hurtful to animals or threatening to other children or adults.

  • Has difficulty regulating strong emotions.

  • When you feel disconnected from your child for long periods of time.

Parents should also consider treatment for a child who is affected by autism and other pervasive developmental disorders such Asperger's Syndrome; for a child who experiences attentional difficulties like Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD); as well as for a foster or adoptive child who is having difficulty forming relationships. In all of these childhood problems, children have difficulties interacting with other people, and attachment therapies can effectively address and treat these problems.

At Oceanside Family Therapy & Assessments, we work with all ages of children including infants/toddlers and their parents.

What Is Therapy Like?

There are various models of therapy that are used for treating attachment problems. Parents should explore the treatment options available by consulting with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Because attachment has to do with family relationships, therapists with degrees and licenses in family therapy are an excellent choice.

Typical therapy for attachment problems will include both the parent(s) and child. Initially, parents meet with the therapist, who will ask the parents to describe their experiences with the child during pregnancy, and from birth to the present. Parents will also discuss their current concerns regarding the child.

Therapists may meet with the individual child for a period of time while the parents observe, meet with the parents alone, or with parents and the child together, but parents fully participate in attachment therapy from beginning to end. Attachment therapies often involve fun and rewarding activities that enhance the attachment bond while dealing with serious issues. In some cases, attachment therapies can reach their therapeutic goals within approximately twenty sessions.

Secure and insecure attachment relationships are present in every racial and ethnic group. However, how attachment relationships are expressed within these groups can vary greatly. A sensitive therapist will recognize that your child’s attachment relationship may well be influenced by cultural differences and adapt their therapy accordingly.

The text for this brochure was written by Phyllis B. Booth, M.A. and Linda Wark, Ph.D.

AAMFT Consumer Updates.

Nicole Story, Ed.S, M.Ed, LMFT, LMHC is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) with graduate degrees from the University of Florida in family therapy and has been counseling parents and children for over 15 years in private practice and community settings including; Hope Haven Children and Family Clinic, The Child Guidance Center, Meridian Behavioral Healthcare, The Beaches Resource Center and as Clinical Director of a 30 bed inpatient adolescent program.

Nicole also supervises clinical staff at the Youth Crisis Center, Camelot Community Care, Naval Hospital, VA, Breakthroughs, River Region and Family Foundations.

She is a clinical member of the Florida Association for Infant Mental Health, FAIMH; The Theraplay Institute; the American Psychological Association, APA and served as President for the Northeast Florida Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, NEFAMFT.


And Baby Makes Three, The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman, Ph.D & Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D

Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

Attaching in Adoption, Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah Gray

Brain Storm, The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel Siegel, M.D.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson, Ph.D

LoveSense, The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Sue Johnson, Ph.D

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman

The Chemistry of Connection, How Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy and Love, by Susan Kuchinskas

The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel, M.D.

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